Today is an overwhelmy sort of day. It’s 8.40am and already I feel there are about 6 blog posts I could write, all with a different focus. So if I get my act together there may be 6 different posts by the weekend.
I have been lucky for a couple of weeks. The pain has been manageable. I feel like the pregabalin has kicked in properly and I can move, walk for 10 – 15 minutes at a time without wanting to cry, I have managed my 4yo’s start at school without needing my crutches, and I have been able to manage the 2 childrens’ bedtime on my own, (bathtime is still too much unless they seriously need hosing down).
This has made me wonder whether this is what it will be like after the surgery. The pain management clinic has warned me about the 2 things wrong with my back and surgery only fixing one of them. The twinging, stabbing, shooting pain will go – though that is precisely what has been dampened. Is this as good as it will get but without the drugs? Or will I be better than this? It’s an overwhelmy sort of question at the best of times.
This morning I was rushing too much. Aware that I had not got enough work done yet over the last couple of weeks for my handover before the surgery, needing to dress smartly for a presentation later, needing to get my clingy 1yo to nursery etc. I sat to put my clothes on and suddenly, sharply gasped with the pain. I had forgotten to be careful about my movements.
I feel like I’m holding myself together, but only just. I was undone by the drop off at nursery for my 1yo. She’s struggling a lot with not having my 4yo there with her. She doesn’t understand the change.
Getting her to the breakfast table meant leaning over to undo her car seat, bending to get her out of the car seat, lifting her and carrying her into nursery, bending, twisting and lifting again to get the car seat into the nursery so that my husband can do the pick up. Then kneeling down by the children’s table, unable to put clinging, heavy 1yo into her seat to eat. I sat and cuddled her for far longer than I normally do. When she looked at me in distress and burst into tears, so did I.
I did finally manage to leave her and drive to work. I popped into the shop on the way to get breakfast and lunch. I decided to have cheese and cucumber rolls for lunch. When I spotted the cucumber on the bottom shelf my heart just sank.
An overwhelmy sort of day.