I miss you anyway.

Hello dear reader,

I’ve neglected you this week. This is because writing while lying down is both tedious and difficult. But here, a short update on how I am doing. I am mostly doing pretty well. I am not hurting as much as I anticipated (largely due to the fact that I was anticipating a great deal of pain) and I am able to move reasonably well.

I am determined to do everything right. So I am doing my physio exercises, and having been told to walk as much as possible, I really am walking as much as possible. This means I walked for an hour and twenty minutes today, and two days ago went for two hour long walks. It feels good to be walking again. It hurts, but it’s ok.

It is hard to shut off the worry. The shooting pain has stopped, but the pain at the bottom of my back is still very much there. I don’t know if this is the pain that will stay or whether this is from the bruising and the healing after the operation. There is no way of knowing yet so I am trying not to think about it.

The hardest thing is being here but not here at the same time.

At home I can only lie down. My 4yo is happily playing with the various family members who are here to help and understands what’s going on. My 1yo does not. She does not like cuddling lying down, but clearly can’t fathom why I don’t just pick her up when I am standing. It will be a long time before I am allowed to pick her up and even sitting playing is a way away. 

I can look at my children from less than a metre away and miss them terribly.   

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