I have felt fed up today. My back and leg are hurting, little things that I know are little things felt like a hassle and decisions felt really hard to make.
I know I still need to be patient and no doubt the pain management clinic will help in ways I can’t quite imagine yet, but the continuation of pain is disheartening. I knew before the operation that the back pain may not be fixed, but I shall confess to believing that it would be more fixed than it is. I thought if I did everything right (doing all the physio and all the walking, and no lifting etc) that I might have had a pain free day by now. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take my 4yo ice-skating any time soon, but I hoped I might be able to do some hula hooping, or hop scotch, or running around the park and those things are feeling like a distant dream.
However, there is one thought that consistently undermines any attempts to feel sorry for myself: and that is ‘thank goodness this happened with my second pregnancy and not my first.’
I’ve written before about how being dependent erodes your confidence.
I was offered surgery on my back last week, and with it, offered some hope that at least part of my back pain (the most vicious, movement disabling pain) could be cured.
The surgery itself sounds quite simple (in as much as spinal surgery can ever be simple) – so much so that I won’t be kept in hospital overnight. The recovery time afterwards however will be a different story.
I won’t be allowed to bend, twist, lift or sit for about 6 weeks afterwards. With two small children this will require daily conscious effort, and lots and lots of help.
I have noticed that I feel ok about asking for help for this, and I have noticed that feeling completely happy to ask for help is a rather novel feeling.
It has clarified for me that asking for help with a chronic condition is a difficult thing to do. It feels wrong somehow to ask for help when you have no hope of reciprocating. It feels odd to ask for help with simple things when you don’t know how long you have to keep asking for.
Asking for help for a limited period of 6 – 8 weeks feels like one of the most hopeful and positive steps in a long time.