Dear daughter of mine, have some of my self-esteem issues neatly wrapped up in some tears.
So, as mentioned on Thursday, I was feeling a bit fragile. And as also mentioned on Thursday, by midday it felt like I had about 6 things to write about. One of them was to do with getting dressed.
I needed to look smart as I had a presentation to give. So I put on some clothes and looked in the mirror. I winced. The outfit felt wrong. The clothes had been bought pre-bad back and pre-pregnancy and I felt fat. My 4yo came in and said ‘Oh I like your top mummy’ just as I started taking them off again.
She asked me why I was taking my clothes off again and I knew I didn’t want to tell her ‘because I feel fat and bleurgh and the shape is all wrong’. So I said ‘because they’re not quite right for my meeting.’ Thankfully it was one of those rare moments when she didn’t ask ‘why?’.
It’s similar to when she watches me putting on make-up and asks why I do so. I don’t want to answer ‘Because I feel smarter / prettier when I do’. In fact, even admitting that here feels a little strange.
I’m sure I’m not alone in feeling a bit teary on some days when no clothes quite feel right, when feeling confident is just that bit too elusive, but saying it out loud is hard. And saying it loud to a 4yo feels wrong.